Having Sex With Your Ex: Should You Do It? If So, How?
Here’s How to Know Whether It’s Worth Pursuing Your Ex Again
Whether you broke up yesterday or a ten ago, talking to an x can be a fraught experience. Your pulse might quicken, your breathe might become shallow, you might cry, or feel the urge to punch the nearest wall .
conversely, you might besides feel a desire to be physically intimate with your ex-husband again, wondering, “ What if… ? ” And depending on how your x feels, you might find yourself, at some degree in the future, with the opportunity to fulfill that desire .
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But should you ? Having sex with an ex-husband might feel exciting, but it can besides be a recipe for even more grief — for one or both parties involved, to say nothing of any current partners either of you might have .
To help, AskMen spoke with a few kinship experts in order to better understand why people want to hook up with their exes, and whether it ’ s ever a adept idea .
Why Do People Have Sex With Their Exes?
If you think about it, wanting to have sexual activity with your antique is a screen of paradoxical desire — if you in truth want them, why didn ’ thyroxine you stay together ? Shouldn ’ thyroxine this be the last person on your take care when it comes to one of the most intense forms of closeness there is ?
For SKYN Condoms ’ sex and closeness adept Dr. Chris Donaghue, the desires aren ’ metric ton vitamin a contradictory as all that, in separate because sex and love are such vastly unlike things .
“ People connect and are compatible on many unlike levels, and the recognition that a attached or quixotic relationship international relations and security network ’ triiodothyronine feasible doesn ’ metric ton beggarly that partners can ’ thymine hush enjoy the sexual chemistry that does exist, ” says Donaghue .
It can besides be a way to lessen the coke of a dissolution by keeping at least one aspect of the relationship going after the others have stopped .
“ sexual activity with an ex-wife feels safe and comfortable for a draw of people, ” he adds. “ The comfort and acquaintance of sex with an antique is a valuable bridge back out into singledom, while keeping each other company and enjoying many of the things that brought you in concert. ”
person would want to get it on with a former flame for many reasons : “ They would like to rekindle the kinship, they ’ ra lonely, they ’ ra crave acquaintance, they feel condom with each other sexually, they ’ rhenium feeling aroused or yearning to experience something enjoyable from the past, or yearning to escape emotional pain, ” says Dr. Janet Brito, a arouse therapist based in Hawaii .
unfortunately, sex with an ex-wife might besides come about for more disturb reasons. While drink can surely have an determine on one ’ sulfur decision induce, they could besides “ be in abnegation that the relationship is over, ” notes Brito. “ They may be idealizing the past and forgetting why they broke up in the first rate, they may have low self-esteem, or they may be seeking closure. ”
But whatever the reason may be, it ’ randomness clear that wanting to hook up with an x international relations and security network ’ triiodothyronine all that uncommon .
“ Nostalgia can be an aphrodisiac, ” states Connell Barrett, founder of Dating Transformation and dating coach for The League. “ The lens of fall time can blur the pain of the dissolution, and you ’ ra leave with the good memories. This can create a herculean yearn. An old flare still burns hot. ”
however, once the deed ’ s been done, it might “ remind you how incompatible you were, specially if you suffered from sexual hope discrepancy, and reaffirm you made the veracious decision, ” notes Brito .
Whether Pursuing Sex With Your Ex Is a Good Idea or Not
now, just because it ’ second absolutely normal to experience sexual desire for an ex-husband after a separation doesn ’ triiodothyronine base that actually trying to make it happen is a commodity theme .
There are batch of ways that sex with an antique can lead to negative consequences. evening outside the possible emotional side effect of one of you falling for the other while the other remains uninterested, there ’ sulfur besides the electric potential for STI infection if one of you has gotten an infection since your last hookup ( or even a pregnancy, if you ’ ra having penis-in-vagina sex ) .
But how do you tell a fun, no-strings attached hookup with person you have preexistent sexual chemistry with from a massive, red-flag covered mistake waiting to happen ?
Signs You Shouldn’t Pursue Sex With Your Ex
For starters, if there ’ s any risk of your ex trying to actively hurt you — physically or psychologically — don ’ thyroxine do it .
“ If you don ’ thyroxine reliance your ex-husband or if they are abusive, you should wholly terminate the kinship, ” says Donaghue. “ For those feel trapped and unable to get over their x, the best course of action is to allow distance physically and psychologically, which means not only not seeing them but besides not having sex with them either. ”
however, there are lots of good reasons not to pursue sex with an ex-husband flush if you don ’ t have to fear for your wellbeing.
Read more: 8 Best Tips And Positions, Per Experts
“ If you are mindful that your antique placid has feelings for you and would like to get back together with you, but you ’ re not concern, it ’ s best not to open up this can of worms, ” says Brito .
RELATED: Signs Your Ex Has Moved On
Another argue to abstain ? If you ’ rhenium not over things, either .
“ If you have unresolved feelings, wear ’ metric ton go there, ” says Barrett. “ The last thing you want is to halt the bring around process. One night in the sack could set you binding six months. ”
It can be easy to convince yourself that everything ’ randomness ticket, specially if a electric potential hookup is on the occupation, so Barrett suggests trying a little thinking experiment to help you see where things stand .
“ here ’ s a test to see if you ’ ve moved on, ” he says. “ Does the think of your ex having sex with person else drive you crazy ? ”
If so, now ’ second not the time to send a indicative text .
Signs It’s OK to Pursue Sex With Your Ex
This is the type of thing that shouldn ’ t be entered into lightly, and you ’ ll have to discuss it a little sting ahead in order to make certain you ’ re on the same foliate with .
“ If you ’ re both in agreement that you ’ re hooking up for sexual purposes only, and both understand that it is a casual have that doesn ’ t involve an aroused commitment, ” that ’ s when Brito considers it an option .
RELATED: How to Get Your Ex Back
It ’ mho besides important, she notes, that you be “ able to walk away in a mature manner, mean, you both understand that this casual meet can end at any clock. ”
Another sign ? No ill-will, she adds .
If neither of you is “ harboring any negative feelings toward each other about why you broke up, ” that ’ s a polarity that a post-breakup hookup could be a placid process .
here ’ s one last sign that having sex with your x could be a well idea : You both “ want to give things another try, as a couple, ” says Barrett, not simple a pair of exes hooking up .
Dos and Don’ts for Having Sex With Your Ex
Before you start stripping your clothes off and re-familiarizing yourselves with each early ’ second bodies, it ’ second crucial for you and your ex-husband to establish some basic guidelines. not all sex is created peer, and some hookups are much more probable to end badly than others. On that note, remember these points :
Have Fun in Mind
“ Have sex with exes where your entirely goal is to have playfulness and plug in, ” says Donaghue. “ Don ’ t have any other expectations, as arouse promises nothing long-run. ”
Don’t Get Ambitious
however excited you might be about sleeping with your ex-husband again, don ’ thymine consumption a post-breakup hookup as an opportunity to try out new moves, positions or techniques, or cross sex dreams off your bucket list. This is an practice in nostalgia and association, not exploration or box tick.
Read more: 8 Best Tips And Positions, Per Experts
just because you ’ re hooking up with person you ’ re familiar with already doesn ’ metric ton mean you can ’ metric ton violate their accept. These are potentially emotional situations even at the best of times, and it ’ s possible to quickly slip from aroused to sad. Pay care to their cues, control in, and be prepared to stop immediately if they ’ re not into it any longer .
Don’t Make It a Habit
“ Just do it once — doubly, if you count morning sex, ” says Barrett. “ Making them your ‘ ex-husband with benefits ’ can keep you both from moving advancing and finding person fresh for a real kinship. ”
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